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Tips on winning the War on Christmas

November 28, 2008

I guess we have Bill O’Reilly, reactionary idiot extraordinaire, for the artificed conflict of the War on Christmas, but now that there’s a media-supported war on this most cherished of American holidays, how do we win? Well, count on good ol’ M-BA to provide you with the ammo that you need to win the struggle that the holidays have always brought (since 2003). In the spirit of making every American a happy and productive member of the conservative collective, please read and take to heart the following tips. If you don’t, you will be hunted and slaughtered in the name of our Lord and Prince of Peace, Jesus Effing Christ:

  • It’s easy, while doing your shopping, to think of the gifts you buy as a try at hitting a target. Instead, remember that you are trying to do something nice for someone else. That, instead of just throwing an item at them, you are trying to make them happy and to see their smile.
  • Remember that Christmas is not a goal, it’s a time to be enjoyed. Anticipation and excitement permeate the air which is illuminated by multi-colored lights, snowmen, wicker deer, giant blow-up snow globes, and Santas on the sled. Any time wasted on dreading shopping, arguments with family, gift returns, etc goes against the spirit of the holiday, so don’t indulge in that kind of waste.
  • Also remember that the person that wishes you a “Happy Holiday” has no way of knowing if you are christian, jewish, muslim, or atheist and is honestly just wishing you well for the season. Take that as the kindness that it is.
  • Alternatively, if someone wishes you “Merry Christmas”, “Happy Hanukkah”, “Merry Yule”, etc, don’t take offense that they didn’t guess your religion right. Again, they are just wishing you well. Do the same for them and go on your merry way.
  • Religious folk: don’t take offense at an atheist that respectfully declines to engage in prayer. Understand that, while they may love this time of year, they don’t share in the religious meaning of it. Isn’t it enough that we also celebrate peace, charity, and goodwill?
  • Atheists: remember that this season does have religious meaning to a majority of folks. In the spirit of goodwill, show a little extra patience for those who feel the need to pray over dinner or anything else. You are not obliged to participate, but it won’t kill you to sit in silence for a moment.
  • Remember to laugh. Your grand-pop will say something antiquated and offensive, your kids will act with unrestrained greed for toys and cookies, your sister will not offer to help with the dishes. When it’s all over, however, you will remember the love, smiles, and laughter, not any of the stresses. So, if you choose to laugh rather than react in anger, you have that much more to remember!

This is a season for family, fun, and love throughout our country, whether you are are atheist or not. Do yourself a favor and don’t indulge in the media-manufactured farce of the war on Christmas. Instead, drive through your neighborhood and enjoy your neighbor’s hard work on the lights, drop a few bucks in your donation box of choice, show your kids the constellations in the Christmas skies, and hold your family tight as if it’s the last holiday you’ll spend with them.

That’s how you win the War on Christmas. Don’t play.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. December 1, 2008 11:56 pm

    Sound advice. Reacting to imagined offenses only multiplies bitterness and misunderstanding. Don’t fight the War on Christmas, nor the War on the War on Christmas. This is the season to be “charitable”–in the sense of giving others the benefit of the doubt! Someone unlike you might be wise in ways you have yet to discover.

  2. KLT permalink
    December 2, 2008 11:06 am

    Well-said. Or written actually. Anyway, sound advice for us all.


  1. How Can Atheists Win the War on Christmas? | All Reason

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