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Bad news

September 5, 2008

It is with a heavy heart that I relate to you, my readers that I suffered a dire misfortune last night. For several hours, I suffered from exhaustion, nausea, and physical pain the likes of which I hope to never suffer again.

We all know, in the back of our minds tucked safely away from our constant attention, that we are going to die. It’s a thought that every once in a while keeps us up at night. However, watching the RNC last night, i felt every passing second that brought me closer to my own impending doom.

I watched some football coach as he talked about god for 20 full minutes before remembering to mention McCain/Palin at the very end of his speech. As I watched that, thousands of cells in my body expired, and I keenly felt each death.

I gazed in horror at the saccharine and maudlin Cindy Lou Who entrance video, and my mind slipped further and further towards its ultimate decay. I watched the makeup golem, Cindy McCain play to the camera like she was going for the Miss Mindless Automaton USA crown, and scenes from my own life started flashing before my eyes.

The most painful and degrading was left for last. My muscles spasmed, my vision blurred, and my skin became peppered wit liver spots as John McCain hobbled to the stage. Each second ticked loudly in my ear like the unstoppable pounding footsteps of the dread Grim Reaper. Wracked with numbness (pow pow drill… pow pow drill), I saw myself among the septuagenarian audience, riddled by the pangs of old age as I wept, wondering where the time had gone.

Then, 50 minutes or 3 decades in (I had lost all sense of real time), McCain finally started talking issues, but by this point, I was too far gone. My breathing had slowed to no more than a whisper. I wanted to kiss my wife and children goodbye, but lacked the strength to get up off the chair. Endorphins rushed to my brain as a I saw beautiful glorious light far in the distance.

As I approached and said a final farewell to my life, 7  words drifted across the ether and filled my mind with strength. “God bless you and god bless america!” He was done. IT was done. I didn’t have to leave at all! The cloudiness left my mind and power returned to my muscles and vital organs. I almost wept for joy when my eyes opened and I saw my home surrounding me like and old friend.

I was alive, but I now understand the frailty of human existence. Our hearts will eventually slow and cease, our breathing will stop, and our minds will fail as time marches to the beat of a phrase that echoes hollowly from the depth of hell: “my friends… my friends… my friends…”

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One Comment leave one →
  1. September 5, 2008 7:00 am

    A few things:

    1. I did not watch the speech last night, so my head is clear and I am at ease.
    2. Everytime McCain says “My friends”, an angel plummets to its death.
    3. My brother text (texted?) me during the RNC McCain video and said, “Apparently Forest Gump should be our president”

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