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Is it up to me? I think it is!

August 5, 2008

So, Fark gives us a link that I thought would be a good, funny article called The Six Steps to Dealing With Liberal Friends and Family. Unfortunately, the guy was being serious, and not throwing jabs or spoofing. Not even one pun, the fucker! So, here’s my take: The Six Steps to Dealing with Conservative or Liberal Friends and Family, ‘cuz They’re All Assholes

  1. Avoid talking politics in the first place. Any wingnut or moonbat will take any opportunity to blather on endlessly about their political views. If you are unwilling to  hear it, punch them. PUNCH THEM RIGHT IN THE FUCKING SKULL! You don’t want to hear an hour-long diatribe plucked straight from the lips of O’Reilly or Olbermann, do you? You stop that shit and stop it quick. If they, on regaining consciousness, are wondering why they are lying in the alley behind Grotto’s with an aching head, tell the liberal that he drank too much. If your friend is a conservative, tell him that he drank too much and his secret is safe with you.
  2. Be big enough to handle disagreements. If your wingnut or libtard friend cannot be budged from the opinion that was handed down to him from Fox or MSNBC, then quietly change the subject and, later, sleep with his wife. If your friend is republican, sleep with his secret gay lover.
  3. Correct them gently. With a sledgehammer. Let’s face it, any reasonable words you have for them will fall on deaf ears, as neither conservative or liberal will pay any attention to you unless you wear a giant hat that says, “I am a goddamn conservative/liberal talking head. Do not fear for any new ideas coming out of me!” Your best bet is to kneecap them, as their screaming will be music to your ears after hearing them vomit politics. If your friend is conservative, watch out for return fire; if liberal, watch out for girly, socialistic whining.
  4. Do you want to be friends, or do you want to prove you’re right? This isn’t really about being right, it’s about getting your friend to shut the fuck up. With that in mind, if you want to remain friends, use non-violent protest. The author suggests chloroform.
  5. Remember that people are not groups. Don’t be too quick to group your friend in with the wingnuts/moonbats. Maybe they just watched Olbermann and wanted to use a new polysyllabic word they heard. Maybe, after a quiet night rounding up immigrants with a net and pickup truck, your conservative friend just wants to shoot the shit. With an assault rifle. Remember that just because they want to give corporations huge tax breaks, or give all your hard-earned money to a guy that’s been on welfare for 6 years without looking for another job doesn’t mean that they always toe the party line. Waterboarding is a great way to find out how moony/nutty they really are.
  6. Just realize it may not work. If none of the above does the trick and your friend’s wife is a lousy lay (see #2), then it may be time to part ways with your friend. This is a sad point in any rational persons life and may set a pattern for future personal relationships with political wonks. Do the honorable thing: explain how you feel, then stuff him/her with gunpowder and catapult them into a volcano. You’ll be glad you’ve ended it on such a happy note.

Special thanks goes out to these posts at Delaware Liberal and Down With Absolutes, and additionally Mike W. Without you guys, I would not have had the ammo to write this and (hopefully) break the tension a bit!

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10 Comments leave one →
  1. August 5, 2008 11:55 am

    Too funny, you clever boy!

    The other night my cousin was over and walked up to me and said, “You know what the problem with Obama is?” I said, “I’m not discussing this.” A phrase I kept repeating as he kept talking… until he threw up his hands and walked away.

    Very satisfying.

  2. August 5, 2008 11:58 am

    I suggest you read Lissa’s posts, both part 1 and 2 (I believe she’s the one who e-mailed Rachel Lucas the quoted question)

    http://lookingforlissa.wordpress.com/2008/08/01/a-mindset-continued/

    Oh, and thanks for including me……. but I didn’t even post to the thread on DE Lib that you linked to.

  3. August 5, 2008 11:59 am

    “I said, “I’m not discussing this.” A phrase I kept repeating as he kept talking…”

    Pandora – why am I not surprised?

  4. August 5, 2008 12:02 pm

    “Oh, and thanks for including me……. but I didn’t even post to the thread on DE Lib that you linked to.”

    Hence, adding you separately from the post links 🙂

  5. August 5, 2008 12:36 pm

    Ah, I didn’t mouse over them so I didn’t realize they were linked to DE Lib posts.

  6. August 5, 2008 12:37 pm

    Ah, Mike’s famous!

    Joe, I love discussing politics, but this year emotions are running high. (mine included – see how honest I am) Normally I would have never backed away from a debate, and believe me, I could have destroyed my cousin… who I’m not particularly fond of. But what for? He’s never going to change his mind, and neither am I.

    Now I do have friends (Conservative and Libertarian) who I love discussing politics with. We always leave feeling we all learned something. Those evenings are the best!

  7. August 5, 2008 12:58 pm

    Pandora, completely agreed but it wasn’t me that snarked on you 🙂

    PS “Snarked on you” sounds dirty!

  8. August 5, 2008 1:03 pm

    This post deserves some kind of award….had me laughing all the way !

    My favorite:
    “If your wingnut or libtard friend cannot be budged from the opinion that was handed down to him from Fox or MSNBC, then quietly change the subject and, later, sleep with his wife. If your friend is republican, sleep with his secret gay lover.”

    But seriously, I’m going to take some of this advice….I think all of these tactics are workable, they just need to be proven with evidence !

    Thanks for the smiles.

  9. donviti permalink
    August 5, 2008 1:58 pm

    send me a pic shirley

  10. August 5, 2008 2:08 pm

    Ah, experimentation! This may be a workable theory. Who has a sledgehammer and chloroform?

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