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Here’s how it really went down

March 1, 2008

If you haven’t read Donviti’s post about Drinking Liberally, you should. In it, there is a romanticized story of how I offered to make peace with the man/myth. Here’s what really happened.

Donviti entered Timothy’s shyly and reprehensively, his eyes darting around to see if I was there to throw down. I hadn’t noticed him, but when we were introduced, we shook hands and I told him I had something for him in my car, a peace offering of sorts. At that point, he knew he was not in trouble, and wept openly.

He polished off his beer, and dialed his wife on his cell, even though she was only two feet away. He furtively asked his lovely wife to stay on the phone as we went to the parking lot “just in case”. As we walked out, Viti kept throwing frightened looks over his shoulder while keeping a death grip on his phone and visibly trembling. I thought to offer comfort, but being me, I was enjoying the show.

We reached my car, and I unlocked it, the sound of the lock clicking made Donviti cry out in alarm and pee a little. Inside my trunk was a double-barrel shotgun and a closed plastic bag. When he saw the gun, he fell to his knees, begging for mercy. At this point, I figured the charade had gone on long enough, and I offered what comfort I could, and pulled out the plastic bag. Donviti tentatively took the bag from me and looked in to find a 6 of Victory Hop Devil, a beer I knew he was a fan of.

Don began again to weep, this time in joy, as he pulled me to him in a gratitude-filled man-hug. After 2 seconds (that’s my limit), I pushed him away, then grabbed a handkerchief to wipe Viti’s snot of my shoulder. I gave him a smile, my apology, and we went back inside to the revelry.

As to the scandal of Don’s handshake, I thought he had a fine one. It’s common courtesy when shaking with a lady apply the same amount of grip as she does to you. When we shook hands, Don’s geip was fine, and more masculine than his behavior would predict.

So, there’s the story, folks. The true an accurate history of Thursday night’s events!

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. jason330 permalink
    March 1, 2008 12:37 pm

    I’m cracking up.

    This is like one of those Gilligan’s Island episodes where everyone has a different take on how the monkey got the keys and took off in the boat.

  2. March 1, 2008 1:24 pm

    It’s funny that both left out the goat, the loose-leaf binder and the jar of salsa.

  3. March 1, 2008 1:31 pm

    “It’s funny that both left out the goat, the loose-leaf binder and the jar of salsa.”

    NEVER speak of that!

  4. donviti permalink
    March 1, 2008 2:41 pm

    having a hop devil right now my man. Thanks again.

    I like my version of events better.

  5. disbelief permalink
    March 1, 2008 3:40 pm

    I asked about the dark spot in his crotchtal area; he said he spilled some Chardonnay.

  6. March 1, 2008 4:13 pm

    “having a hop devil right now my man. Thanks again.”

    Well, you’re not getting any more free beer, unless of course you piss me off again 🙂

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