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Dear Body

December 7, 2007

Dear Body,

Why do you hurt me? Through all my years, I’ve tried to look the other way and hope things would change. I’ve been good to you. I’ve given you coffee when you wanted it, any treats that you desired, even went and got you the women that you wanted. I’ve seen you grow large and flabby, but that didn’t change the way I felt about you. All I’ve gotten from you out of 31 years of dedication are aches, pains, and 13 years of back problems but this last is the worst betrayal that I could imagine.

Now, they tell me that you stop breathing while I sleep! You motherfucker. I would never willingly harm you, yet you constantly hurt me, and now I find out that you’re trying to get rid of me in my most vulnerable moments? That’s just sick! You’d better shape up, you abusive douchebag, or I’m outta here. You’re not leaving me any choice. If you shape up, we can be together for 40-50 more years, if you don’t… well, you’ll miss me when I’m gone, I can guaran-fucking-tee that!

Well, I’ll be getting a mask that will make certain that any further attempts to get rid of me will fail. I want to trust you, but I just can’t right now. I hope you understand. Shithead.

Yours until Death,

-Joe

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10 Comments leave one →
  1. December 7, 2007 8:26 pm

    Nice twist…..let us know how you feel after trying it. The talk shows say it gives you amazing energy…………………………..I’m interested to hear from someone not being paid for their opinions………………

  2. December 8, 2007 9:12 am

    I have a friend that has been on the machine for a year or two now. He said the difference in how he slept is dramatic.

  3. Meggie permalink
    December 9, 2007 4:19 pm

    Women?????? What fucking women???

    Honey, just remember that even if your body fails you, I promise you that I won’t and you can guaran-fucking-tee that too!

    I Love you!

  4. December 9, 2007 4:40 pm

    Baby, you know you’re my worl’.

    Trust me, there have been less women than there are question marks in your comment, and you’re definitely the last.

    Love you too!

  5. Ed T. permalink
    December 9, 2007 8:13 pm

    Hey, I have an idea: Yourself and my crippled self get together and begin to work out together? That way we have little in the way of excuses? What will it take for that to work out?

    -Me

  6. December 9, 2007 9:06 pm

    First, it’s going to take me being able to sleep. Once I get that under control, then I can think about doing things that will further sap my energy.

  7. Ed T. permalink
    December 10, 2007 5:20 pm

    Actually, working out has been proven to increase energy levels rather than sap them. I find it quite difficult to sleep after a good session at the gym. We c an mull this over in the new year…

  8. December 10, 2007 5:27 pm

    I understand the argument, and I agree with it in certain cases.

    My lack of energy, however, is due to my throat closing anytime I get near REM sleep and therefore never getting the rest I need and not from lack of exercise.

    I’m not adverse to getting exercise, but I’d like to solve one problem at a time.

  9. December 10, 2007 7:49 pm

    Welcome to the world of Hosers.
    I’m a 20 year vet.
    They still suck/blow.

  10. Ed T. permalink
    December 12, 2007 3:01 pm

    Understood brother, when the time comes, I will be ready!

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